I. Introduction to Obsessive Twitterism:
Obsessive Twitterism is a religion which has become increasingly popular since its inception in 2006 and is witnessing a massive fan following of devotees, worshippers and blind followers who succumb to mass brainwashing, conformism and the need for the development of a larger-than-life internet persona which compensates for an otherwise dull, purposeless and tasteless life.
Twitterism as a movement was founded by a Supreme God or Creator simply named Jack Dorsey, who in his earthly form masquerades as a software engineer and ‘entrepreneur’ and is otherwise symbolized in popular culture as a saccharine sweet, innocent looking blue bird who resides in the heavens and feeds off the energy emanated via the vast, tentacled global internet network of his minions.

Image courtesy http://michaelfoody.com
Lord Twitter (Jack Dorsey) promotes ritual worship and blesses discontent, depressed and hapless souls by enabling them to communicate with like individuals and himself in 140 characters or less in his abode http://twitter.com/ . This is the most important feature of Twitterism, as Lord Twitter is a God that does not have the time, patience or empathy to read billions of heartfelt prayers, ramblings and musings which would otherwise flow on endlessly- paragraph after paragraph, page after page.
Keep it short and sweet, he insists.
Twitter as a service has opened its arms and its heart to worldwide SMS services, blogs, other social networking (read rival religion) sites and basically the whole internet, thereby subtly coercing and encouraging people to pour their deepest, darkest feelings, troubles, opinions and daily lessons in an easy-to-use, and even easier to access manner in case they are unable to place themselves at his feet in his virtual abode. Followers can take part in an outreach program and support one another (friends, family and even strangers) by posting both relevant and irrelevant ruminations, thus boosting their sense of false security and carefully moulding their self confidence and morale in the virtual world.
Lord Twitter encourages people to ‘look deep within themselves’ and tap their psyche by simply answering a profound, universal question:
What are you doing?
As devotees struggle to find answers in their quest for deliverance or Moksha, they find that this question has seemingly different answers with each passing second, minute, hour, day and week. However, if a devotee ceases to answer Lord Twitter’s question for over a week, he/ she is deemed blasphemous and detrimental to the Obsessive Twitterism movement, where enlightened, awakened souls are found to be those who devote every ounce of their energy and being into updating their Twitter space, even sacrificing basic human needs such as food, sex, sleep and shelter.
Contrary to what its name might imply, Obsessive Twitterism is not disadvantageous to the general well being and happiness of its huge devotee base; rather, the more you give yourself to Lord Twitter and your fellow human beings in the Twitter abode, the more you will be blessed and given a Demi God status by the great Supreme Being himself.
This Demi God status is achieved once Lord Twitter sends you his wishes and blesses you with the love, gratitude and unconditional love and respect of over 500 ‘followers’. These minions follow, observe and look up to every move you make and thrive on eagerly awaiting your next update, as you sermonize and preach to the world about your heartfelt feelings, thoughts and current state of being.
II. Features and/or Requirements:
1. To become an Obsessive Twatterer (the name given to those who follow the Twitter religion and worship Lord Twitter unconditionally, blindly and endlessly), you must first enroll yourself in the Twitter Temple or abode, which exists at the domain http://twitter.com/ . After you sign up to receive the blessings of the Supreme Being, you must vow never to exceed your daily prayer/post limit which has been finalized by the Lord himself at 140 characters only.
2. Twatterers must then update the Lord and let their fellow devotees know exactly what they are doing- whether they are shaving their beards with the newest Philips electric power razor, having a bad hair day, throwing up on their best friends couch, eating toxic waste, shopping for all things pink, or just secretly spying on their friends in the Twitter universe. Failure of posting constant updates will decrease your chances of becoming a Twitter Demi God, which will be a big blow to your online persona in the long term.
3. You must visit a celebrity (read Advanced Demi God) Twitter page at least once in your Twitter life and get addicted to their daily musings, giving in to the irresistible urge to ‘know’ these superior souls who you otherwise cannot have access to owing to your useless life in the real world.
4. Business people, entrepreneurs, media people and just anyone with basic common sense must use the Twitter religion to promote their business, product, show, service and offerings shamelessly, urging non believers to ‘Follow them NOW!’ on Twitter, thereby ensuring that the Lord God gets more clueless individuals to worship him and his blessed space while secretly fortifying their wannabe Demi God status.
This practice is metaphorically known as ‘killing two Twitter birds with one stone’.
That actually killing any Twitter bird will be met with immediate spiritual and emotional death is another matter altogether.
5. When you have absolutely nothing to say or add to the cosmos in real life, say it on Twitter! Lord Twitter is an accepting, benevolent God who sees not what you say or do- just as long as you put it out there.
Example: “OMG OMG OMG! I’m gonna crap now! RIGHT NOW! At 8:15 in the morning! That’s sooooo cool! I’m usually a night crapper and this hasn’t happened to me in AGESSSS! Will update you guys on the consistency of my poop in a sec!”
6. Obsessive Twitterism has no room for those who view it as just another fad that will pass in due course of time. Those who believe so are met with blank stares, societal disapproval and humongous truckloads of pity, which later translates into cold shouldered disregard for said individual.
7. Obsessive Twitterism constantly, tirelessly and admirably promotes the notion of conformism and the need for approval in the virtual sphere, uniting human beings and making them one in their quest for oneness with the one true God, Lord Twitter. This unity is becoming more prevalent as the Twitter tentacles reach out to hundreds of nations across this vast planet, silently endorsing the veneration of a one true God and diluting people’s belief in other religions and spiritual ways of life. Obsessive Twitterism is indeed, monotheistic in nature.
8. This new religion welcomes people of all kinds- whether vegetarian or non-vegetarian, Satanist or Muslim, Goth or Bubblegum inspired, winner or loser, rich or poor, employed or unemployed, silent or over the top- there is room for everyone here, provided you bow down to the ways of this movement and chant ‘Twitter, Twitter’ or ‘Follow me!’ at least a hundred times in your short life, whether in reality or on the internet.
9. If the Twitter Temple seems to have hit a brick wall and ‘crashes’ or experiences a ‘down time’ either due to Lord Twitter’s unbridled anger at some sinners, the ‘laziness’ of the internet or the inability of the domain to carry the burden of over a billion ‘tweets’ and Twatterers, disciples are to mourn the momentary slaughter of their support program even if it is for a brief moment, contemplating on what they must have done to cause this devastating loss to their beloved way of life and subjecting themselves to temporary depression, uncontrollable rage and a submission into the abyss of doom, gloom and hysterical tears.
Candlelight vigils are to be held in such a case, with human beings consoling one another and observing at least a minute’s silence.

Image courtesy http://blissfullydomestic.com
10. Once you have been welcomed into this virtual Garden of Eden, you must live, breathe, work, eat and sleep Twitter, allowing the blood of Obsessive Twitterism to run through your otherwise parched veins and jeopardize your social, professional, and family life- thereby giving your Higher Self to a greater purpose in life:
A life blessed with the goodness and wholesomeness of a religion that feeds your constant need for appreciation.